Hundreds, possibly thousands of Ottawa residents are being misdirected by robo-calls. Innocent book readers are being directed from their local Hazeldean library to drive all across the city just to get their books. Only to find out, once they get there, that their books actually miles away, back at Hazeldean.

Library spokesperson Pierrette Poutine confirmed that the City Library’s robo-caller is misdirecting readers through mischievous phone calls that direct far west end residents all the way to an alien place called The Glebe.

Bobbi Rae, a reader, complained that thousands of her acquaintances that seek to borrow books through the InterLibrary Loan System are being misdirected to  places where their ILL books originate, instead of their local library branch. “It’s outrageous” she said, “my sister drove all the way to Guelph to get her Harlequin romance and it wasn’t even there!”

Nick Turpentine complained that it is a plot by American TV executives to discourage reading: “An attack on literacy, undermining working families’ distinctive Canadian culture”, he said in an exclusive interview.

Hardnose Stephens, spokesperson from Harper Collins Baird publishers, acknowledged that many of their materials were involved in the misdirection. “It’s not our fault”, he said, “and it’s not true that our iphone app “Killer Mockingbirds” has gone rogue, infecting Android servers to deliver our book titles to library users, unrequested. We’re just not that smart. But we are trying to do better.”

Pierrette Poutine, library spokesperson, defensively said “Don’t blame me, I’m just a lowly underpaid librarian counting the days until I can retire on my pension at age 55.” She referred persistent inquirers and complainers to the Library’s website, where the agency says:  Please note that Telecirc is stating “Sunnyside Depot” as a pickup location instead of “Hazeldean Depot” when delivering phone messages about holds. However, holds are being held at the Hazeldean Depot. We apologize for the confusion this is causing and are actively working to resolve it.

A confidential source tells us that the Library is having a hard time locating Son-of-Clive to re-record the announcement, but confirmed that the budget allocation set aside for the re-recording is sufficient to fly him home from wherever he might be in the world and return him after a single overnight at the Chateau Laurier. “It might be seen by some as expensive, but we are talking here about fundamental Canadian values of Literacy and the Right to Read, and for that, no price is too high”.